Vincent Offer: The Untold Story

There’s no doubt that most of you will recognize this charming face. In fact, you may be leaning forward in your chair screaming, “Why, yes! I do know that man, officer! He’s ‘Headset Vince’ the very heart and soul of the ShamWoW!” And while your enthusiasm is quite commendable my good man or lady I must implore that you remain seated until we’ve reached the end of our journey.

Yes indeed this is “Headset Vince” more formally know as Vince Offer, and you are correct he is a part… nay… he is the essence of one of the best infomercials of our time: an ad for the ShamWoW! It’s guaranteed to dry your dog and absorb everything from soda spilled underneath your carpet, to the souls of your children! But he sells more than the ShamWoW he also stars in a commercial for the Slap Chop, which features such enticing lines as “Stop having a boring life!” and “You’ll love my nuts!”

However, let us not be so blind as to think that Mr. Offer is confined to the four walls of our TV. Contrary to popular belief, his infomercials aren’t live, and he isn’t stuck in some bizarre hell where he is forced to repeatedly convince us that the “Germans make good stuff” (if this joke doesn’t make sense, ask a Jew!).

What you may not know is that he is a writer/director/comedian and the actual owner of those two products. So what’re you thinking now? Maybe “how old is this guy?” (I know you weren’t thinking that, but if you think I care, you’re mistaken). I’m so glad you asked, because according to the infallible people over at Wikipedia he was born in 1964! You know what that means… or maybe you don’t, since like me you can’t subtract. Let’s see: Mr. Calculator says 2009 - 1964 = 45… HE’S FORTY-FUCKING-FIVE. I almost care enough to pray that they got the year wrong, simply because I don’t have the kind of energy he has now; nor do I still want to be an obnoxious moron by the time I’ve hit my 40s (I thought that was a phase I was nearing the completion of).

Certainly now you’re thinking that he must have done more than infomercials… and you’d be correct! Vince actually created “The Underground Comedy Movie,” which has been arguably one of the worst movies ever made. Unfortunately for Vince the movie wasn’t “hilarious and offensive” but entirely the latter. Not to mention that creating such an offensive film caused some problems with the Scientologists.

Oh… did I not mention? Vince was a member of the CoS, more commonly know as the Church of Scientology (more-more commonly know as what~the~fuck?). The Church found the movie despicable and Vince was tried in the Scientologist “Court” (some of you may have imagined me doing the bunny eared quotation marks with my hands as I said that, you’d be correct). All I know about his “hearing” is that Vince wasn’t told his charges, he was labeled as a criminal against Scientology, and one of the presiding officers of his “trial” (oop! Bunny ears again!) was a 14-year-old boy (couldn’t they have let his balls drop first?). The enterprise with which Vince was funding his movie had a great number of scientologist employees who fled the company upon learning of his criminal status, leaving Vince broke and traumatized.

In short, Headset Vince has now pitted himself against Scientology and has been taking legal action against the entire organization since 2004. The best part is that he’s been using all the money he’s made from his infomercials and movie to fight those assholes. The worst part is that he isn’t using the Slap Chop on their faces.

So what am I telling you? I’m telling you to head on over to Wegman’s. Splurge that $19.99 on a pack of ShamWoWs (BEWARE OF IMITATORS), pick up the good fight against scientology, and go home confident that your purchase will go towards two of the most epic battles of our time: Headset Vince vs. Scientology, and You vs. The vast amount of beer you spilt on the rug in the living room.