Happy Easter!

"Mrrrrrragggghhhhharrrphhhhhhh!"

And the Lord said, "Amen!"





Happy Zombie Jeebus Day!

This makes me furious...

Putting the toilet paper roll on backwards is a sin against humanity...

If you're going to put it on backwards, or not even feel around with you fingernail to figure out which way is the front DON'T EVEN BOTHER TRYING.

I don't like being angry when I have to poop.

G'damn kids...

Procrastination

Procrastination

While it always creeps up on me, I've yet to find a decent way to combat it. Even fun and enjoyable assignments get pushed to the last minute, because I'm always able to find something else I'd rather do than sitting down and doing work of any kind.

Then again, beating Resident Evil 5 was a pretty satisfying accomplishment...

Because I'm Just Not This Funny...

This should be hysterical for those who know how serious The Watchmen is:

Hair Stylists

Hair Stylists, otherwise known as "mah hair cutter," are what I'd consider vital to our society. I think they should be paid the same as Doctors, and more than Psychiatrists.

"Why?" I can hear you asking already... Because they listen better than shrinks, and while a Dr. can't cure terminal disease, a hair stylist can sure make you feel better about yourself.

A recent interview with a student at the University about their hair stylist promoted this story: "Yeah, he told me that I 'didn't know what I wanted' when I was trying to explain how he should cut my hair." I tried to explain to my interviewee that his stylists was probably coming on to him, but his fragile mind just couldn't grasp the concept.

Women & Cars

Women & Cars: A Quick Lesson for Straight Men

Today I overheard a young man say this to his friends:

"Man, girls are all over you if you've got a nice ride..."

Hey then followed up with an example of how this works in conversation:

"Look, she'll be all like 'Wow! That's a really nice car!' and I'll be like 'YEAH! Gotcha' now biatch! Bam!"

Now, let's go over the facts shall we?

(True) Girls like nice cars, in fact, everyone does.

(False) A girl will sleep with you just because you have a nice ride.

(True) Having a nice car will increase your chances of copulation.

(False) Pimpin' rims, hydraulics, or anything that makes your care make more noise than it normally would if it were functioning properly will turn a girl on.


The last statement is the most important; girls are going NO where near you if when you "rev" you engine it sounds like your muffler exploded.

Why look a muffler double-entendre! What an easy way for young men to remember!
Take care of your muffler, and maybe it's not the only muff you'll be working on this week!

Things I wish men would say to me in bed

THINGS I WISH MEN WOULD SAY TO ME IN BED

I love you.

So… do you wanna’ play WoW (World of Warcraft) after this?

You’re easily the hottest guy I’ve been with!

To be fair, I lost at Smash Brothers, so you pick: top or bottom?

No worries, I’m not a size queen.

Let’s role-play! I’ll be a rugged elf warrior… what do you wanna’ be?

You ready to go again?

Fuck yeah! Roll for initiative!

Hookers

HOOKERS

The Vice President of anything

Your postman

Anyone who worked at your high school who wasn’t a teacher/adminstrator

All employees of Dairy Queen

Two of the Three Jonas Brothers

Your living room furniture

The cleverly disguised hobo outside the 7/11

Any girl or guy standing near The Fonz on Happy Days

News Report #4

Several southern and midwest mothers are terrified that a Nintendo DS game and certain Fisher Price dolls are telling their daughters that “Satan is King,” and “Islam is the Light.” however they remain unconcerned about the amount of time their daughters spend with their brothers in locked bedrooms.

lol college

Today I get to turn in a paper that ends:

“HAH! God we’re so fucked!”

News Report #3

After hearing Christian Bale’s 4 minute rant I’m honestly surprised that Britney didn’t bust in around 1 minute in and start singing Womanizer.

Why I'm Addicted to World of Warcraft

No I still haven't renewed my account but here's why I'm so tempted to go back...

Blizzard Entertainment has done what this quote from Tycho of Penny Arcade has summed up quite nicely.

"What I do know is that they have set up a system that allows me to rent my friends on a monthly basis."

That's really what sold me on it for so many months, and even know my life is so fucking boring without WoW. It's sad, it really is, honestly the main thing keeping me from going back is that fact that once you got to 80 it was the same shit all over again, that and the fact that I'm STILL waiting for dual-specs to happen (for those of you unfamiliar all classes have 3 specializations, for some you must choose between damage/tanking/healing, and changing from one to another costs a chunk of gold each time, the dual spec theory is to have 2 specs assigned that you could switch back and forth without a cost of gold and with relative ease).

What scares me even more, and what I've never heard before is that apparently Blizzard has a new MMO that they're keeping super secret and is still in the pipes. I have to agree with Tycho though, I don't know what else they could possibly do and hope it would be even half as successful unless "it's a graphical update to the existing world."

What it really comes down to is I miss everyone. I miss Dave and Jared, Carrie and Gary... all the Canadians whose real names I don't even know and tons of other people I shared awesome times with. The sadest thing is that, like high school, there's no way to go back to what once was. It sucks that another one of my favorite experiences in life is over, but I suppose there will always be something else. I'm just ecstatic that I have Ken to keep my company or I'd probably have killed myself by now just for something to do.

Zombie Racism (A Rant)

N'Gai Croal of Newsweek spoke about the Resident Evil 5 trailer. Frankly I find all of the bullshit concerning racism and this game to be completely unfounded. For those of you that don't know Resident Evil 5 takes place in a fictional town in Africa, and the protagonist, Chris, is a beefy (and I mean HELLA beefy... like as in, hold me in those arms and never let go) white guy and his intentionally racially mixed and unplaceable but kinda-like-Lara-Croft-from-Tomb-Raidery sidekick Sheva.

Obviously, since it's Resident Evil, there are zombies... EVERYWHERE.

Now since they're in Africa, they are black zombies.

Naturally then it is our protagonists duty in a survival horror game to survive... which may involve shooting a few zombies.

Shooting black zombies is racist. Croal isn't the only person to think this, it's been in the News quite a bit, and I still find it ridiculous that we're having this debate. If it's a zombie, I shoot it. Also the plot of these games usually (and correct me if I'm wrong) is never intended to be violent at the start. At least in the demo I played Chris and Sheva had no intent to harm the villagers until they were spotted and chased around by the villagers with an executioners axe and tentacles shooting out of their mouths. Yay the T-Virus!

Sorry, I'll rap up this rant in a few more lines. Anyway this is something Croal had to say on the matter:

"I looked at the “Resident Evil 5 trailer and I was like, 'Wow, clearly no one black worked on this game'... The point isn’t that you can’t have black zombies. There was a lot of imagery in that trailer that dovetailed with classic racist imagery. What was not funny, but sort of interesting, was that there were so many gamers who could not at all see it. Like literally couldn’t see it. So how could you have a conversation with people who don’t understand what you’re talking about and think that you’re sort of seeing race where nothing exists?"

Ok I'm sorry... WHAT!? You're welcome to disagree with me as much as you want on this but that line I highlighted in bold, umm, isn't that what we've been trying to do for decades? Haven't we been trying to get our children to stop seeing race? If gamers are playing Resident Evil 5, and are killing zombies without regards to skin color... hey it might sound fucked up, but isn't that a good thing?

See, Croal, what would be racist if the gamers you interviewed were like "Yeah! Killing black people makes the game a lot easier! I don't feel attached!" Like, that would be seriously fucked up! But what you're hearing is that people aren't seeing race anymore, and while I personally find it hard to believe, if you've found it, don't scold the people the less ignorant of us have been trying to find, or even become.

News Report #2

We’ve all heard Christian Bale rape the lighting guy with his rugged Welsh voice, and I’m just wondering, if his wife has had enough of his domestic abuse… is he taking applicants?

News Report #1

Quasi and Moxi, two robot “actors” dazzled children last week at a technology expo. However, by the end of the night the robot couple became increasingly frustrated with each other and Quasi “went out for cigarettes” and has not been seen since.

shirt.woot.com

If you don't check that site daily you're wrong. A new $10 shirt every day? AWESOME.

Sadly today's sold out in a matter of minutes the image on the shirt was this:



Which is one of the most epic drawings I've ever seen. Even though some people insist that Bowser is attempting auto-fellatio... but I think he's eying that man with a plunger heading his way.

Alright... so I saw a lot of posts on Woot in response to this shirt saying things like "What is this?" or "Why is that dragon blowing himself?" and "When did plumbers ride dinosaurs?"

If you do not know who Mario, Princes Peach, Bowser, and Yoshi are... our friendship is quite officially on hold. You may either kill yourself, or Wikipedia the hell out of Super Mario. Dude, EVEN MY MOTHER KNOWS WHO SUPER MARIO IS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

/endrant

The Wicked Diva

The works of Gregory Maguire are know quite well known (mostly due to one of his best works being turned into the Broadway Musical: Wicked). He focuses on taking classic tales and telling the stories you don't hear. For example what the Witches are doing the whole time during the Wizard of Oz, or what the "evil" step sisters were doing while Cinderella went about her story.

I'm not nearly as talented or diligent as Maguire is; so you won't be getting any wonderfully accurate stories from me... just a parody this evening.

Memorable Lines from: The Wizard of Oz
if the Wicked Witch of the West was a Gay Man

Wicked Witch of the West: Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?
Dorothy: No, no. It was an accident. I didn't mean to kill anybody.
Wicked Witch of the West: Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, too!

Wicked Witch of San Francisco: Holy shit! That bitch is dead! Who the hell killed mah sista'!? Was it you dimples!?
Dorothy: No, no. It was an accident. I didn't mean to kill anybody!
Wicked Witch of San Francisco: Hmph, gurl, I know that wasn't your first accident neither! [clicks his tounge] And lemme' guess those bruises are from when you "fell down the stairs," yeah okay we'll act like your uncle didn't push you to cover your other little "accident."

-----

Cowardly Lion: I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do!
Wicked Witch of the West: You'll believe in more than that before I'm finished with you.

Cowardly Lion: I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do!
Wicked Witch of San Francisco: [filing his nails] oOo child that ain't even the worst of it!

-----

Wicked Witch of the West: Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of spears! Thought you were pretty foxy, didn't you? Well! The last to go will see the first three go before her! And your mangy little dog, too!

Wicked Witch of San Francisco: Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of spea-! ...is that a pocket full of spears or are you just happy to see me honey?

or

Wicked Witch of San Francisco: Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of spea- oh... nevermind that... that's just my bag of black dildos...

-----

Wicked Witch of the West: Going so soon? I wouldn't hear of it. Why my little party's just beginning.

Wicked Witch of San Francisco: Girl where you going!? Bitch please this party is just getting STAR-TED! AAYYYOOOOHH!

-----

Wicked Witch of the West: You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! I'm going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!

Wicked Witch of San Francisco: You dirty slut! Look what you did to my top!? Oh gurl this is gonna' take forever to get out! Oh, fuck you, I'm out of here... Oooooh... I swear to god...

-----

Wicked Witch of the West: I'll get you my pretty... and your little dog too!

Wicked Witch of San Francisco: Bitch get yo' ass back here!

Vincent Offer: The Untold Story

There’s no doubt that most of you will recognize this charming face. In fact, you may be leaning forward in your chair screaming, “Why, yes! I do know that man, officer! He’s ‘Headset Vince’ the very heart and soul of the ShamWoW!” And while your enthusiasm is quite commendable my good man or lady I must implore that you remain seated until we’ve reached the end of our journey.

Yes indeed this is “Headset Vince” more formally know as Vince Offer, and you are correct he is a part… nay… he is the essence of one of the best infomercials of our time: an ad for the ShamWoW! It’s guaranteed to dry your dog and absorb everything from soda spilled underneath your carpet, to the souls of your children! But he sells more than the ShamWoW he also stars in a commercial for the Slap Chop, which features such enticing lines as “Stop having a boring life!” and “You’ll love my nuts!”

However, let us not be so blind as to think that Mr. Offer is confined to the four walls of our TV. Contrary to popular belief, his infomercials aren’t live, and he isn’t stuck in some bizarre hell where he is forced to repeatedly convince us that the “Germans make good stuff” (if this joke doesn’t make sense, ask a Jew!).

What you may not know is that he is a writer/director/comedian and the actual owner of those two products. So what’re you thinking now? Maybe “how old is this guy?” (I know you weren’t thinking that, but if you think I care, you’re mistaken). I’m so glad you asked, because according to the infallible people over at Wikipedia he was born in 1964! You know what that means… or maybe you don’t, since like me you can’t subtract. Let’s see: Mr. Calculator says 2009 - 1964 = 45… HE’S FORTY-FUCKING-FIVE. I almost care enough to pray that they got the year wrong, simply because I don’t have the kind of energy he has now; nor do I still want to be an obnoxious moron by the time I’ve hit my 40s (I thought that was a phase I was nearing the completion of).

Certainly now you’re thinking that he must have done more than infomercials… and you’d be correct! Vince actually created “The Underground Comedy Movie,” which has been arguably one of the worst movies ever made. Unfortunately for Vince the movie wasn’t “hilarious and offensive” but entirely the latter. Not to mention that creating such an offensive film caused some problems with the Scientologists.

Oh… did I not mention? Vince was a member of the CoS, more commonly know as the Church of Scientology (more-more commonly know as what~the~fuck?). The Church found the movie despicable and Vince was tried in the Scientologist “Court” (some of you may have imagined me doing the bunny eared quotation marks with my hands as I said that, you’d be correct). All I know about his “hearing” is that Vince wasn’t told his charges, he was labeled as a criminal against Scientology, and one of the presiding officers of his “trial” (oop! Bunny ears again!) was a 14-year-old boy (couldn’t they have let his balls drop first?). The enterprise with which Vince was funding his movie had a great number of scientologist employees who fled the company upon learning of his criminal status, leaving Vince broke and traumatized.

In short, Headset Vince has now pitted himself against Scientology and has been taking legal action against the entire organization since 2004. The best part is that he’s been using all the money he’s made from his infomercials and movie to fight those assholes. The worst part is that he isn’t using the Slap Chop on their faces.

So what am I telling you? I’m telling you to head on over to Wegman’s. Splurge that $19.99 on a pack of ShamWoWs (BEWARE OF IMITATORS), pick up the good fight against scientology, and go home confident that your purchase will go towards two of the most epic battles of our time: Headset Vince vs. Scientology, and You vs. The vast amount of beer you spilt on the rug in the living room.

Late night bike ride

Late this evening (after midnight) I saw a man riding a bicycle around the brain (the main loop on campus). His bike had one of those baby seats on the back, which, upon closer examination had a briefcase or two strapped into it.

1) Wow, I guess his work really is his baby!

2) Talk about a life time commitment!

3) This assignment requires round the clock care.

4) Holy fuck, there's a chopped up baby in this briefcase!

5) John I'm gonna' need you to take this work home... sorry, I know it feels like baby sitting.

Table Manners

SON: Daddy do I have to eat my veggies?

DAD: You can eat your vegetables or kill yourself, it's your choice.

SON: Moooommmmm do I have to eat my veggies?

MOM: Listen to your father.

Nerf Guns

Timeless.

Recent studies show that you can still amuse two boys by handing each of them one nerf gun each. My parents used that trick on me and my best friend when I was 10; and to my delighted surprise it works on 20 year olds as I saw last weekend. My boyfriend and apartment-mate amused themselves for the better part of an evening fighting about the apartment while I got my work done.

Mi casa es su casa!

My house is your house. While yes this is a nice way to welcome someone you're fond of into your home, you don't really mean it... at all. I mean if you really meant that they should treat your house as their own they'd walk around without clothing and probably be in the living room watching porn when you came home from work.

He's Gone!

Hmm... there's something very telling about the Republican views on abortion in this picture...

Can you spot the problem?


The Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003




(Thanks Kecia for the idea for this post <3)

Bale Out

"When someone's stress level explodes to an epic proportion and a 5-minute f-bomb-laden tirade is unleashed on the unlucky soul who was in the wrong place at the wrong time -- much like Christian Bale on the T4 set." - Urban Dictionary

Yeah so if you didn't hear Mr. Bale apparently exploded in outrage after the director of photography allegedly fucked up a scene on the Terminator 4 set. Honestly, I don't care, I find it fairly satisfying to hear (Warning: There be f-bombs) him ream the guy out for messing up. I've been back stage, I know how tense theater and film can get... I can't even IMAGINE the pressure on a million dollar production like that.

What really amuses me though is the way that people are citing this as proof that Bale shoved his mother... like... really? It amazes me the connections people make these days... Connecting Rachel Ray's scarf to terrorism, or comparing what Obama's 1/2 brother WHO LIVES IN KENYA to Obama... like... what? I really think people need to like, take a step back and realize how ridiculous... and in turn funny this whole thing is.

I've long agreed with Lewis Black; if we lose our sense of humor as a country, we're done for.


- Vance

A Mysterious Fortune

Today's writers block question from LiveJournal was:

"What is the strangest advice you've ever received from a fortune cookie?"

And I find it fairly amusing that the strangest thing I've ever received in a fortune cookie was:

"A very attractive woman has a message for you."

...

what!?

- V

Where did facebook go exactly?

I can't even find a place to enter in my classes to put on my profile anymore...

I know I'm not crazy... that definitely used to be a feature, and you were able to click on your course numbers and see other people on facebook who were in your classes.

Has it really gone so far away from its original college networking charm by leaving useful things behind and just becoming another myspace?

[grumbles]

For serious?

I must admit I'm mildly (and only mildly) ashamed that I receive the bulk of my news from the Daily Show and Penny Arcade. For those of you that don't know Penny Arcade is a web comic starring Gabe and Tycho, who are in turn the comic's artist and writer in that order. The two of them cover a large variety of issues in their work, but it is normally centered around video games and the other wonders of modern technology.

I wouldn't have heard of half the shit I have if Tycho didn't love showing how ridiculous our society has become by having Gabe draw up things like this...



When I first saw the comic strip (I always read his strips before reading his blog section about the latest strip) I thought it was just some joke I didn't get. But sure enough after reading Tycho's blog he even provided links to the news articles explaining that those in charge of President Obama's appearance actually released an official statement that the Zune sighting was a fabrication and that President Obama carries his iPod everywhere.

I don't know what's more frightening... The fact that we have government officials concerned over shit like this... or that this is potentially the kind of shit people would care about during an election that has shaped our country as a whole.

Anyway, chances are this isn't the last time I'll be commenting on something that comes up in the new Penny Arcades (granted that was a pretty old one, but the following is todays) as Tycho always manages to find the news that makes me want to tear my face off.

On a more recent note, this weeks PA Comic was as follows.

If you don't get it... that's fine... either did I. But apparently a mother... let me correct that... several mothers (in the midwest I might add) believe that their daughters dolls and a specific Nintendo DS game (Baby Dollz or some shit) is telling their daughters that "Satan is King" and "Islam is the Light." Which... even if they were saying those two things would simply make no fucking sense. Either way, it scares me that this is the kind of shit people are worried about, and I'm highly considering ranting about this for my Humorous Writing presentation on Thursday... but we'll see... oh we will see.

- Vance

Ta Da!

Hey there! Before I start "Blogging" away I figure I should explain to those who happen by what this blog really is. I was assigned to create a blog for my Humorous Writing course, one of the last courses I will be taking at Binghamton University before I graduate in a few short months. With any luck this blog will contain a surplus of my humor in various forms, and if you don't find it funny... fuck you! Nah, I'm just kidding! But seriously... get the hell out.

For those of you who have know be before, and I mean that in the modern sense as well as the old English sense (we boned), there may be mild confusion, or possible dismay over my blog URL. I'm sorry that it simply couldn't be as easy as everything else. For some unknown reason bioandroid.blogspot.com is unavailable, even though it's not in use. But I'm over it already and as such, so should you.

After all, momma' always said:

"When you can't get over one man... get under another honey."

I don't even think that made sense, but you're in MY RING NOW BABY.

Anyway, Lupine Spurious roughly means Bastard Wolf, so that's nice.

In Short: I apologize that my blog URL doesn't follow the same conventions I usually use, it pains me more than you... trust me. And be prepared to be dazzled by my mildly amusing sense of humor.

Ta da

- Vance